“I find myself angry and sad, mourning on behalf of my younger self.”

Posted byCambridge Town OwlPosted inUncategorized

TL/DR? On Adult ADHD and an article that resonates with my own experience

This is sort of on the back of an earlier post about my 3am brain dumps that I save to my phone. Turns out in the extensive comments posted in response to the article by Noelle Faulkner in The Guardian – also on her website here, there are others who are like: “If I don’t save it on the phone, it doesn’t happen”.

For some strange reason, the testimonies in the comments resonate with me in a way that comments on depression and anxiety over the past couple of decades have not. I guess it will be some time until I figure out why this is.

*I want to read all of these policy books but I cannot sit still for long enough to read them because somebody might be wrong on the internet!!!*

I have no idea where that insecurity comes from – or the desire to respond to every other point made by people on local issues I have a strong interest in. I’m getting better at managing it though. As well as looking back at excruciating moments over the last quarter of a century and trying to tell myself I no longer need to beat myself up about them. (In particular this insecure need to go back to people from over a decade ago who I’ve not seen since, and say “I’m sorry – it was this!” over something insignificant such as an easily-forgotten task in the workplace).

Coming out of hospital back in late 2021 was also a wake-up call on prioritisation – a reminder that the number of active years I have left is far fewer than I assumed, and that some brutal levels of prioritisation (i.e. accepting there are things I’ve wanted to do/re-do for decades that I’d never be able to do again) lay ahead.

“I wish, that, I knew what I know now. – When I was younger” / I wish, that, I know what I know now. – When I was stronger”

Rod Stewart with The Corrs in May 1998

Some of you may also recall the Wear Sunscreen spoken word number that got to Number one a year later – in the days when getting to be the highest selling record in the UK singles charge meant more than it does today.

“I applied for the wrong jobs”

The ADHD Foundation in Scotland wrote this employers guide to ADHD in the workplace in 2022.

Above – now it makes sense why some of the places I worked at over the past 20+ years were such a struggle, and how tasks that seemed easy to everyone else were ones I kept on making repeated mistakes in.

This also brings me back to the structures of society and workplaces because how many entry-level jobs involve monotonous and repetitive tasks without variation, or long periods working in isolation? And that’s before we even consider the cost of living crisis, chronic low pay in the sector and the disproportionately high salaries those at the top of such companies receive. Hence I like the policy of mandatory pay ratios that compel employers to share the benefits more equitably with employees who generate the profits.

And I applied for the wrong A-levels…and the wrong degree at the wrong university (wrong for me that is)

But then I knew that already. The reference to the title of this blogpost: “I find myself angry and sad, mourning on behalf of my younger self” also reflects the fact that I found out about much of this far too late – and furthermore could not do much about it at the time because of the inflexibility of institutions (as well as the lack of courage on my part). For example the National Institute for Health & Care Excellence – NICE, and thus the majority of the NHS did not recognise ADHD until the Year 2000…and only in 2008 did it recognise the same with adults. (See here It’s also worth noting that it was only in 2018 that NICE recognised the issue of ADHD being under-recognised in women and girls. Hence the importance of Noelle Faulkner’s article written in late 2020.)

Would intervention back then have been enough to have stopped me burning out and imploding in 2012? I doubt it – but hence mourning on behalf of my younger self that never could have been. I sometimes describe myself as a cross between Walter Mitty and Henry’s Cat, with even less courage than the pair of them. Easily lost in daydreams in the face of monotony, and wondering now what difference better support systems might have made – not just for me but for everyone. I’m at a stage in life now where I’ve been through and come out of the other end of trying the various hints, tips, and recommendations that institutions regularly post on social media. Hence scrutinising public bodies like this chap (!!!) when it comes to collective responses to making where we all live better for everyone, focusing in particular on things that won’t just benefit people in my situation, but others as well.

As with the shortages in the NHS (yes, I blame successive health secretaries for them) I have a 2 week wait for a GP appointment before the inevitable waiting list for a referral to see a specialist. This was raised in Parliament back in February 2023. I’m also acutely aware that any referral for medication inevitably involves assessing its impact on the chemistry set that I have to take for both mental health and all things cardio. Which is why I also continually ask aloud why local councils are limited in their abilities to use urban design to improve our collective health and wellbeing. (See the World Health Organisation from 2022 here). All the more striking given the Prime Minister’s headlines about cars and oil in the face of the wildfires in continental Europe. Will they be the ones who adapt first? Getting on with the doing while ministers continue with media boasts about leading the world?

The link to my next blogpost was what I wanted to write about – and this is about in-depth policy inquiries that got ignored and forgotten about by ministers, despite the significant effort that went into them. (Think of the PM’s response to the numerous in-depth reports on all things climate). In my case it’s citizenship and lifelong learning: Learning through life: Inquiry into the future of lifelong learning that encompassed the period before and after the 2010 general election. Despite the sound recommendations, the whole thing has been forgotten about. Time to revisit it?

Above – a paper looking at Southampton’s example. Is Cambridge a learning city in comparison? Or only for a select connected minority in priority sectors?

Coming to a blogpost near you.

If you are interested in the longer term future of Cambridge, and on what happens at the local democracy meetings where decisions are made, feel free to: